Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Zoe & Ulysses cont'd

I miss my dogs today, wavering somewhere below...no no no, I start thinking there are going to be words forged forth, theoretically of course, because before the words leave the diving board of my mind, or are even a thought of a thought, maybe making their way by that larger wheel on the side of the diving board, there to make it more springy...the vast wasteland that is the dust with which these all at once not thoughts were not made of is sailing through the air, obliterated before the non thoughts could even begin to become half a thoughts. But that is a thought and it is a solid one, that I receive the canvas like comunion, sometimes it is simply chalky and morose, the body of some old man making it's way down my esophogous and into my digestive track, and I receive it less willing, I receive it as if I might actually receive communion, thinking maybe this time, this one time I will have the courage, the audacity, the huxspa, the (insert witty phrase about confidence that I lack here) to open my mouth presenting brown stained teeth silver fillings and one gold crown to the priest so he may lay the body of my savior, the lord jesus christ on my tongue! But I digress in line more often and with much more ability than I do in life, somehow finding pride in my failure to follow through: "Wow, Matthew, you really did a good job avoiding!" and "Maybe you should write the book on taking the easy road?"

I receive this paper as meticalurgical embodiment of the patrons saints of GFY, and the unholy anecdotes of WTF, with pangs of tennis elbow rearing it's nerve pinching in the simplest of times when I am simply doing nothing, and realizing I never played tennis! I skirt the effervescent issues by leaving the Seltzer cap just so loose as to let it become flat quickly enough that my next sip will be awful, that that seltzer cannot turn into water but "Bad" water. I have the juice left in the fridge one too many days before I think I should finish the bottle I purchased, and when I sip, that half sip, and know as the acidity level is too high, the liquid just a little too solid, I scorn myself for all the attempts I ever made at trying to be frugal; purchasing groceries to eat as opposed to wasting my money on some fast food reality that I think I can sustain. I kick myself for the nxt day and say, who do you think you are living a normal life, one with "food shopping" and "money saving" practices, you are a fool sir, and a damn good one at that! I flinch as the gold fish might seconds before losing that first five seconds of memory, sometimes only realizing that he is always flinching, flinching, flinching, flinching...and think to myself as I try, months later to get that acidic solid like liquid taste out of my mouth again, scorning myself for all the attempts...

It is a vicious ill-conceived spiral and we are ony privy to minute glimpses of the rosier and greener of the poetically conceived other side! These glimpses are seldom enjoyable, and occur many times at the tail end of your five day vacation when you almost forgot about things, and actually vacated...more to come my silly pups, this is all for you!!!!...